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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24286588">How to Disappear Completely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthingsqueer/pseuds/allthingsqueer'>allthingsqueer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Buck Whump, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Protective Maddie Buckley, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:28:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24286588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthingsqueer/pseuds/allthingsqueer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Since childhood, Evan Buckley has only known the pain of loneliness and abandonment. After the lawsuit, once again left behind by the people he considers family, Buck decides to leave this life of pain and sorrow behind.<br/>Following the events of the grocery store scene (03x05 "Rage")</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley, Evan “Buck” Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>298</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Is this is my first fic ever on ao3? Yes.<br/>Did I decide to write a super-angsty fic? Yeah.<br/>Am I completely nuts? Probably.<br/>I hope ya'll enjoy it!<br/>Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are my own.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The thing about depression is that one can never anticipate how, when or why it'll hit you. It can start small and develop gradually, or it can all hit you suddenly like a ton of bricks. Buck too couldn't anticipate when it crept up on him, eating away at his soul and stealing the life from his eyes.<br/>
Maybe that's why he couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop his brain from playing a montage over and over again of how he had failed everyone in his life, how he was never enough to be wanted by anyone.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re exhausting.</em>
</p>
<p>                                    ***********************</p>
<p>Buck knew what his team thought, that he was suing the department out of spite because he couldn't 'suck it up’. They didn't believe him when he says he did it to get his family back, that he was tired, so so tired of being alone, of being left behind, of being not enough.</p>
<p>
  <em>Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.</em>
</p>
<p>His parents didn't deem him good enough to stick around, always leaving him behind with a nanny. His sister, God knows she loves him, left home the first chance she got and though he doesn’t blame her for what Doug did, she had still left him behind when she went off to college. After that, he became different, became Buck 1.0, the person who never stuck around long enough for people to leave him broken and hurting again. Then came Abby. Sweet, sweet Abby who calmed the inferno within him, made him think that he could want happiness, that he deserved to be loved and wanted and cared for. Then her mother died and though he couldn't hate her for trying to live her life on her own terms after spending so much time taking care of others and for making him Buck 2.0, he also hated her a little for leaving him broken and bruised, desperately holding on to the shreds of hope that disappeared bit by bit with every unreturned phone call and unseen text. Scared and desperate for love he found Ali. He cautiously hoped that since she was a strong, independent woman who has a career and knows who she is maybe this time it could work. But again it was his fault that she left. His job was too dangerous, too risky. He laid there with a cast on his leg, not knowing when his life would be back to normal, and she was the one who couldn’t take it anymore. They decided it would be better for them to be apart than stay in a relationship that was never gonna work, as if he had any choice. She had already made her decision.     </p>
<p>                                  ***********************</p>
<p>Buck turned over in his bed and kicked the sheets down. The sheets were stiflingly hot and suffocating. He twisted and turned, trying to fall asleep desperately, to escape from his swirling thoughts, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t run away from his own traitorous mind that kept repeating all his worst traumas.</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Do you know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You’re not around.</em>
</p>
<p>Oh, Christopher. That child doesn’t even know that he holds Buck’s whole heart in his hands. Sweet little Christopher, Buck would give his life for that precious boy, would gladly cut his heart open and give it to him if he so asked. But he couldn’t even keep Chris safe. His beautiful ray of sunshine, who he lost in the tsunami.</p>
<p>
  <em>Worthless. Stupid. Useless.</em>
</p>
<p>When he lost Chris in the swirling mass of water he felt as if his heart had been wrenched away from him. The look on Eddie’s face would forever haunt him when he told him how he lost Chris. But then Chris came back to them, their own little Superman, so strong and brave, he came back to them and Buck could die from the sheer amount of relief he felt. He thought this is it, I have lost Eddie and Christopher forever. There is no way that Eddie will let me anywhere near Chris now. But he was proved wrong. Eddie said he trusted him with Chris, more than anyone else. Buck felt maybe he could breathe again. And maybe he also realised how much he loved his Diaz boys then. Both of them.</p>
<p>                                      ***********************</p>
<p>Buck knew he was acting irrationally when he stormed out of the Grant-Nash household in wake of Bobby’s revelation, but he couldn’t help it, because if he didn’t focus on his anger now he fears he would break down completely and never be able to get back up. Once again he realised he was not good enough, he was broken and useless. But this time it hurt worse. He realised he had gotten too comfortable in the feeling of love and family that came from the 118. He had thought he had found his family, the ones who would always have his back, who would love him unconditionally. Maybe that’s why Bobby’s decision to bench him felt like a betrayal. Without being a firefighter Buck had nothing in his life, he didn’t know who he was if he was not saving people, helping them and being the best damn firefighter he could be. The 118 made him feel like he belonged and the team spirit between his co-workers made that pressure in his chest a little bit lighter. He knew Bobby loved him like a son and wanted to keep him safe, but this time Bobby had let his emotions overrule his professionalism. It felt like a stab to the heart for Buck to realise that Bobby didn’t trust his judgement. How was Bobby going to trust him in the field if he didn’t trust him enough to make decisions for himself? And that’s what led him to sue the department and Bobby. He had thought his team, his friends, his family would realise that he was doing it for them, to be close to them, to keep working alongside them. But all they saw was him being a selfish bastard and betraying their trust. Maybe he was being selfish. For once in his life, he didn’t want to be left behind without a fight. They didn’t understand that. He had hoped that Eddie, his best friend, would understand how it felt to be forgotten and thrown away. But his words were the ones that hurt him the most, cut him the deepest.</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re exhausting. You’re exhausting. You’re exhausting.</em>
</p>
<p>                                    ***********************</p>
<p>With a scream of frustration Buck sat up. He reached over to his phone and realised it was 7 in the morning. He didn’t know how the night had passed so quickly, maybe that’s what happens when you’re drowning in guilt and self-loathing. There were no calls or messages on his phone. Why would there be? No one wanted him, no wanted to talk to him or hear his voice. They hated him. They hated him. Maddie probably would’ve called, out of her obligation as his sister, but she too had her own life with her newfound relationship with Chimney. She deserves to be happy after what she went trough with Doug. Buck really really is happy for her. He just wishes she had a little more time to spend with her little brother. But why would she? She had found all she needed in Chimney. She didn’t need him anymore.<br/>
Buck didn’t realise he had been sitting there staring at his phone for the past half hour with tears streaming down his face. He felt numb. He felt hopeless. He kept repeating to himself that he deserved it after all the trouble he’d put his family through. He deserved to be left alone. He didn’t want to be a burden anymore. He knew that after some time some of his friends may start talking to him out of pity. Chimney would probably talk to him because he was dating Maddie. Hen would probably pity him and feel compelled to talk to him because he used to be a part of her team. But Eddie, he would never want to talk to him again, and that meant never seeing Christopher. Bobby would also probably never talk to him again. But Buck didn’t want them to feel obligated or pressured to acknowledge him. He didn’t want to burden them with his miserable pathetic ass anymore. No one understood what he was going through, what he was feeling. They had already replaced him. Taped over his name as if his name on that locker was a mistake. Like he was never meant to be there, never wanted there. He knew he didn’t matter to the people he loved, and it was high time he let them live without him dragging them down and holding them back.<br/>
He knew what he had to do. <br/>
He just hoped they wouldn’t think too harshly of him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Calm Before the Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The fire-fam realise that Buck hasn't been answering any calls or texts. Not even from Maddie. Though worried, they decide to go on about their day, until they get a text.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys!<br/>I had originally planned on posting this chapter earlier, but unfortunately, my city went through a massive cyclone last Thursday and there was no power or network. :'(<br/>Anyhoo here's the second chapter. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 2</p>
<p>It was nearing 8 in the morning when Eddie woke up. While it was not unusual for him to wake up before his alarm went off, something about today was making him nervous, like a feeling in his heart that wouldn’t go away which made him snappy. Brushing it off as nothing important, Eddie got up and started his day with tense apprehension.</p>
<p>He should’ve known to never ignore his instincts.</p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>It was a normal day for Chimney as he woke up and prepared to start his shift. As was usual lately, his thoughts went to Buck whenever he thought of work. He realised that it had been long enough since the lawsuit that he should ease up on him. Buck was like a little brother to him, and it hurt him when he couldn’t speak to him, and Buck just airing out their dirty laundry for everyone to see angered all of them, though Bobby and Eddie seem to be taking it especially hard. Hen and him had decided to be hard on Buck for a few weeks just to let him know that they were upset and hurt by his decisions, but they had decided a few days ago to drop this charade and talk to Buck like before seeing as they had forgiven long ago. Sighing Chimney picked up his phone to call his girlfriend when she called him instead.</p>
<p>“Hey darling, good morning, what’s up?”</p>
<p> “Good morning Howie. I’m just getting ready for work and making some breakfast. Hey, have you heard from Buck recently?” </p>
<p> “Buck? No. I haven’t- haven’t talked to him since before the lawsuit baby.” </p>
<p> “What? None of you have been talking to him for months? How could you do that to him?” </p>
<p> “We just wanted to teach him a lesson!” </p>
<p> “Well I’m sure he learnt his lesson seeing as he isn’t picking up my calls or replying to my messages! Good job.” </p>
<p> “Maddie maybe he is sleeping? Or I don’t know busy with something. Just give him some time and I’m sure he’ll call you back” </p>
<p> “Bye Chimney.” </p>
<p>And she cut the call before he could say anything else. Deciding not to think about it too much he went off to work. </p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>When Eddie reached the station it was unusually quiet in the loft. He saw Hen, Chim and Bobby silently eating their breakfast lost in thought. </p>
<p> “Hey guys. What happened?” </p>
<p> “Hey Eddie. Buck’s not been answering his phone since the morning,” said Chim, “Maddie has been trying to call him since the morning and both Hen and I tried too but he’s not picking up. We were just worried.” </p>
<p>Eddie scoffs. “Well does it matter if he picks up or not? Maybe he’s just ignoring us,” he said trying to conceal his worry beneath his anger. </p>
<p> “Yes Eddie it matters to us because he is family whether you believe it or not, and we have been treating him like shit these past few weeks!” burst out Hen, “And frankly I’m over it. He doesn’t deserve us being so cruel to him, and even if he was ignoring us, which I wouldn’t fault him for, he wouldn’t ignore Maddie.” </p>
<p>But before she could get on any further the alarm rang. </p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>It was a relatively easy call. Just some kids trying to dare each other into doing stupid things and somehow one of them had slipped from the roof of the house they were trying to climb and was hanging on for dear life. No one was hurt much except a few scrapes and cuts. As the team was finishing up Bobby checked over his phone to see if there were any messages from Athena when he saw there was a new text notification from Buck from just a few minutes ago. </p>
<p>His blood ran cold, the colour draining from his face when he read the message. </p>
<p> <em>“Hey Bobby, I know I’m the last person you probably want to hear from. But I just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or drive you away. But I realise that none of you would’ve ever believed me if I said so. But don’t worry it’s all over now. You won’t have to think about me anymore, ever again. It’s best for everyone if I was not there anymore.<br/>
<br/>
I love you, Bobby, you were like a father to me and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be a part of your family. Not that I deserved it.<br/>
<br/>
Goodbye.” </em></p>
<p> Everyone had gotten similar texts from Buck. </p>
<p> <em>“Hey Hen. You know I love you right? You’re my family, my sister and one of the strongest person I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong anymore. I cannot do it Hen. Not being a part of our family, it’s tearing me apart. All that I’ve ever wanted was to belong, and I thought I had that with you guys but I broke it. I couldn’t make you all love me and I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden on you. But it’s all going to be okay now. You’ll never have to act like you want me around anymore. I’ll never be a burden again on you. 
Goodbye.” </em></p>
<p>
  <em> “Chim, I know I’ve been a big pain in the ass for you. You’re like my brother Chim, and I know it doesn’t mean much but you don’t have to act like you feel the same anymore. I won’t ever burden you with my trauma and tantrums again. I just want you to take care of my sister okay? I know you love her a lot and she deserves to be happy. Please take care of her and love her like she deserves. 
Goodbye.” </em>
</p>
<p> <em>“I hope you read this Eddie. I promise you, this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me ever again.
I know I let you down. I know you’re mad at me, that you hate me. But I couldn’t go without letting you know how much you mean to me. I love you, Eddie. I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. But I was a coward, I never could tell you how much you mean to me. Both you and Christopher. But maybe it’s better that I never did because if I had it would’ve made things strained between us. I know you didn’t feel the same for me. I probably wouldn’t have been able to enjoy our time together like I did. I hope one day you find it in yourself to forgive me. 
Please, please tell Chris how much I love him and that I always will look after him no matter where I am. That kid is really something special Eds and I hope he always finds happiness in whatever he does. Tell him that I’m sorry I couldn’t keep swimming anymore.
Goodbye. I love you.”</em></p>
<p> “What the hell?” Chimney asked out loud, “Did all of you get this sad, goodbye message from Buck?” </p>
<p> “Yes. But what does it mean? Why is he saying goodbye? He’s not- he’s not leaving town is he?” replied Bobby. </p>
<p> Hen was looking pale and shaking, before Eddie could open his mouth to ask her about it, Bobby’s phone rang shrilly. </p>
<p> “Hello?” </p>
<p> “ Is this Captain Nash speaking?” </p>
<p> “Yes. Who am I speaking to?” </p>
<p> “Captain Nash I’m calling from Weber Hospital, you’re listed here as one of Evan Buckley’s emergency contact, yes?” </p>
<p> “Buck? What’s wrong with him? Is he okay? What happened to him?” </p>
<p> “We will answer all your questions Captain, but it’s better if we do it in person. Please reach the hospital immediately. We don’t have much time.” </p>
<p> “What? Okay okay, I’ll be there immediately.” </p>
<p> “Cap? Who was that? What happened to Buck? Is he okay?” Eddie asked impatiently. </p>
<p> “I…don’t know. They wouldn’t tell me anything. They just…they told me to reach the hospital immediately, that we don’t have much time,” Bobby said shakily, “ Let’s go! Let’s go! Come on.” </p>
<p> And they all ran to the truck with pale faces and a million scenarios running through their mind. Each more worrisome than the last. </p>
<p>***********************</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos are very much appreciated!<br/>Only two more chapters I think and I'll wrap up this story. :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Shattered</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The firefam and Maddie rush to the hospital following the call.<br/>But, are they too late...?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope ya'll enjoy!<br/>Please heed the tags, and discontinue reading if it's triggering for you!<br/>I hope all of you are safe and well.<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 3</p><p>Maddie was just getting up from her desk to get some coffee when her phone rang. Frowning at the unknown number she picked up the call and just like that her world shattered again.</p><p>Her baby brother was hurt. <em> Again.</em></p><p>
  <em> Quickly getting all the details from the caller, she took the rest of the day off and rushed off to the hospital. As she was entering the hospital she ran into Howie and the rest of the 118 crew. Relieved to see familiar faces she walked up to them and asked anxiously, “Do you guys know what happened? They wouldn’t tell me anything on the phone.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We don’t know anything yet Mads. Bobby got the call and we got here just now. There’s- there’s something you should know Mads. Buck, he- he sent us all this weird text saying goodbye and stuff… we didn’t know what to make of it and were trying to figure it out when the call from the hospital came.”</em>
</p><p> "Weird text? Let us get inside first and then you can show me.”</p><p>As one all of them went inside. Maddie went up to the desk and asked the receptionist, “Hi. I am Maddie Buckley, family of Evan Buckley. I was called and asked to come here… ”</p><p>”Miss Buckley please go to the third-floor waiting room. Your brother was brought in 30 minutes ago and he has been in surgery since. The doctor will come talk to you once it’s over.”</p><p>”Surgery?! What’s wrong with him? Why won’t anyone tell me anything?” cried out Maddie frustrated.</p><p>”Please ma’am, it is a very sensitive issue and time is of the essence. I request you to please wait for the doctor.”</p><p>Confused and scared all of them silently trooped to the designated area. </p><p>***********************</p><p>The waiting room was stifling and not knowing what happened to Buck made them all agitated and thinking up worst-case scenarios. But there was one thought that was unanimously going through each of the one eighteen's mind. </p><p>
  <em> I shouldn’t have let things fester so long. What if something happens to Buck? What if I never get the chance to make up for all the hurt that I’ve caused him?</em>
</p><p>Eddie was nervously chewing on his nails waiting for any news on Buck. He couldn’t help but think how horrible and cruel he’d been to Buck and how he’d intentionally told Buck hurtful things because he was scared of losing him and of the feelings he’d developed for his best friend. Not being able to talk to Buck made him feel like when Shannon had left him all over again. He couldn’t take the hurt anymore and lashed out in anger and biting words. He knows he was wrong, that he is wrong, that Buck doesn’t deserve to be treated this way but anytime he tried to open his mouth to apologize he couldn’t seem to ever find the words, and his anger at his own inability to speak translated to anger towards Buck for making him feel this way.</p><p>***********************</p><p>When the doctor came in an hour later looking subdued and with his head down, they instantly knew something was very very wrong.</p><p>”Family of Evan Buckley?” the doctor asked. </p><p>All of them moved forward at once. The doctor looked at them sadly and said, “I’m very sorry but…Mr. Buckley is no longer with us.” It was like a knife was twisted into their hearts. None of them could move, speak or even breathe. “Mr. Buckley was brought in today after one of his neighbours saw the door to his apartment open. Thinking that a thief may have entered the apartment Mr. Buckley’s neighbour went in when he saw Mr. Buckley lying on the floor, not breathing, with pills scattered all around him. Immediately calling 9-1-1, the paramedics at the scene resuscitated him and rushed him here. He flatlined twice on the way over. When we received him, we immediately moved him to surgery and flushed his stomach, however, we don’t know how long he had been lying there before his neighbour noticed him and unfortunately by the time he got here his organs had already started to shut down one by one. We tried our best, but in the end, we couldn’t save him. I’m so sorry for your loss. We have his personal items here… there was a note clutched in his hand addressed to one Maddie Buckley. It’s there with his other belongings.”<br/>
With that the doctor moved away, giving them one last sad look. </p><p>***********************</p><p>They didn’t know what to think. The one question they kept asking themselves was <em> Why? <em> Why did Buck do it? None of them could stop their tears. </em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Chimney sat there staring into space. His mind replaying every word the doctor just said and his memories with Buck. Where had he gone wrong? Why, why did he not talk to Buck when he had forgiven him so long ago? Was it worth it to hold a grudge for so long? It certainly wasn’t worth it anymore because Buck was gone.<em> Buck was gone.<em></em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Hen felt like she was in one of her worst nightmares. Just yesterday Chim and her had decided to go easy on Buck and slowly bring him back to the fold once again. <em> But they were too late.<em> Why did they take so long? Were they so blinded by Cap's example that they couldn’t think for themselves? And now Buck was gone, she would never hear another weird random fact spill from his mouth, she would never be able to tease him, never be able to slap his hands when he swipes food from her plate, never. Because Buck was <em> gone.</em></em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Bobby had never felt such a strong desire to pick up a bottle before. He just wanted to drown himself in alcohol and then somehow wake up from this nightmare. This couldn’t be happening. He cannot be losing another son because of his own incompetence. It was his fault. He was so scared of losing another child that he let his emotions cloud his judgement. And when Buck sued him and the department, it hurt his pride. He felt like a failure of a father and a captain. And he wanted to make Buck feel the same hurt he was feeling, wanted to make him suffer. So he cut off all contact with him. Even though he was itching to reach out to Buck and see how he was doing his hurt pride stopped him from doing that. And now Buck had paid the price. Buck was gone. And he was never coming back. And Bobby knew it was his fault.</p><p>
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</p><p>Eddie felt like he was underwater and he couldn’t get up. He didn’t believe he could ever get up from this again. Buck was gone. He was dead. And the last words Eddie had ever said to him were said in anger, meant to hurt him. Eddie had promised to always have his back, and he broke that promise. He left Buck alone and hurting and was too goddamn angry to see how he was hurting his best friend. No, not only his best friend, but the man he knew he is- he was falling in love with. Eddie felt like someone had reached inside him and wrenched his heart out and stomped on it. He felt hollow. He felt numb. He felt like a worthless piece of dirt. He didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself. He knew he would never be the same as before. Buck was dead and he had taken a part of Eddie with him. He doesn’t know what or how he would tell Christopher that his Bucky was gone and never coming back.</p><p>
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</p><p>Maddie couldn’t believe what the doctor was saying. He sounded so far away. After that first sentence, she felt like her world had come to an end. Numbly she took the packet of Buck personal effects with shaking hands. Her baby brother was gone. The one she had sworn to herself she would protect come hell or high water was gone and she felt like a failure of a sister. She’d known that Buck was suffering, that without his job he felt useless. But did she really know everything that Buck was going through? Did she ever try to find out? She realises that she didn’t.  And maybe that was the problem. Her brother was such a good actor, that she hadn’t even seen through his mask of grumpiness to the swirling mass of emotions within him. She wonders what would’ve happened if she had tried a little bit harder.</p><p>
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        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>***********************</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em></em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just one more chapter and I'll be done with this story.<br/>I have a few WIPs. Thankfully they are not as angsty though!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Last Letter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Buck's letter to Maddie</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow. I can't believe I finished my first ever fic!<br/>I'll forever be grateful to 9-1-1 for giving me the inspiration and courage to write and publish my work.<br/>I hope ya'll enjoy this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Dear Maddie,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I thought I would send you a text too, just like I did to everyone else. But I couldn’t. You’re the only person who I believe still loves me, you’re my only family left and I felt that I needed to let you know why I did what I did. </em>
</p>
<p><em>The truth is Mads, I am tired. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of being left behind while everyone else moves on. I’m tired of waiting for scraps of affection and acknowledgement from the people who I thought were my family. It’s funny. They always used to joke that I’m like an overgrown puppy, but in reality, even a dog is treated better than I was since the lawsuit.</em> </p>
<p>
  <em>They think I did it for the job. They didn’t realise that the only thing I did it for was them. I wanted to be close to them. I wanted to work with them, to watch their backs and have them watch mine. All of them have a life outside of work, outside of our team. Do I? The only person I have outside of the team is you. And in one move Bobby had taken away everything from me except you Mads. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I used think family meant making mistakes and having disagreements, but making up at the end because you love each other. I realised too late that the crew was never a family. At least I was not a part of it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m sorry Mads. But I don’t see any other option left for me. I cannot go on living like this. I know you’ll be upset but don’t worry. You won’t miss me that much. You have your friends and you have Chimney. I know you’re gonna be taken care of. Please don’t be too hard on Chimney, he really does love you very much. I know I’m not easy to love. I don’t blame them for not trying to.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Please contact Mrs. Veronica Adams of the Adams &amp; Smith Firm. She is my lawyer and has all the paperwork for my will. I have left everything to Christopher. I’m sorry Maddie. But I know you’re more than capable of looking after yourself. I just want Eddie and Chris to not have to worry about a single thing till Chris is of age. I know how hard Eddie works to keep up with all of their expenses and Christopher’s medical needs and still keep their head above water. You know how much I hate my inheritance. Better to put that money to good use. Please tell Chris how much I love him and that it is not, NOT, his fault that I’m no longer around. Tell him that I’m always going to love him and that I’m always going to look after him. And whenever he feels alone, to just close his eyes and talk to me, I will always hear him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s time for me to go Mads. I love you so much. You’re the best big sister one can ask for. I’m sorry I wasn’t the little brother that you deserved. You deserve so much better than what you got in me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    Goodbye  Maddie. </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    Loving you always,</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    Your brother.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's that!<br/>I'm so thankful to all of you who read, liked and commented. Ya'll give me the inspiration to write!<br/>I have a few WIPs, none of them as angsty as this though!<br/>Once again, thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Title from Radiohead song of the same name.<br/>Comments and kudos are much appreciated!<br/>Please let me know if I missed any tags or warnings or if there are mistakes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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